Day 21 – Your Biggest Fear
Well, today’s 31 Day Blog Challenge Topic is to share your biggest fear. And it is a topic I have not been looking forward to. Because I knew I was going to have to choose between giving an answer or answering the question. Truthfully, authentically.
This is not a topic I feel totally at ease talking about – but I committed to being real and authentic in this blog about my journey, so here goes…
I am afraid of many things. Like most people, I have several fears that are inexplicable, make no sense, come from nowhere – but they are very real in my head. I am terrified of heights, for example. Terrified, as in I will have panic attacks, terrified.
Terrified as in I will absolutely not put myself in any position where I will have to face that fear. I will avoid certain routes to get somewhere if an overpass is involved, I will avoid escalators if they are too high, I will not even consider roller coasters or any such ridiculous endeavour. Terrified…
I am petrified of lizards. Okay, so I know to some people this will be a “What??” admission. Let me just explain. I am Jamaican. I am a woman. Jamaican women are afraid of lizards. That.Is.All.
Seriously – in Jamaica, they come into our houses. Those little geckos you think are “so cute, awwww”… (insert rolling my eyes emoji) – In Jamaica, they grow to monstrous proportions, they make a dreadful croaking noise, and they are, simply put, gross and horrible and disgusting.
In Florida, we have now been overrun by a few species that are not indigenous to the state, so now, on top of the stupid little geckos, we have these nasty, fat, gross ‘curly tailed lizards’, who think “me and dem a size”, as we would say in Jamaica – meaning they are not afraid of me just because I am bigger than them.
They don’t run when you walk towards them, they will run towards you if they feel like, and they will sit at your feet, if they are just chillaxing and you get close. Horrible.
And as for iguanas. Dear God, I went to show property last weekend and it turns out the condominium tower complex has been overtaken by iguanas. They were everywhere – I literally had to sit and wait in the car for my husband to go show the client the properties. Ridiculous!!!
I am afraid of losing someone I love. This fear got really big when I was a flight attendant, after I left school. I got it into my head that one day, they were going to meet me at the door of the plane to tell me someone I love had died. It is a normal fear – but perhaps, at an irrational level for me.
But my biggest fear? Wow. That’s a bit more complex. Or, maybe not. The simple answer to that is that my biggest fear is mediocrity. I have always had this fear, but I think it has become a monumental part of this journey I am on.
I am terrified of ending my days on this earth without ever reaching my full potential. Of sitting on my death bed, looking back, and thinking I wish I had gone after my dreams more. I wish I had gone after God more. I wish I had fought harder in my relationships. I wish I had given more to my career.
I think we all have greatness inside of us. Once you understand and are aware of your greatness, it really becomes a responsibility. Because greatness requires effort, it requires hard work and sacrifice. It requires focus and commitment, it requires prioritizing.
Simply put, greatness is hard! You would think that if you have all this potential inside of you, it would be like flipping a switch for it to come out. But it’s not.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, potential means
“existing in possibility : capable of development into actuality”
That means potential must be developed and that takes work. It takes looking at yourself and determining if you have given every single ounce of your being to your life, or if you have achieved a certain level of success at being you and you have settled into that – and are now just coasting along, not growing because you are not willing to make more effort.
I think the thing is, that deep down inside ourselves, we always instinctively know the answer to this question. We know in our hearts if we are still thriving because we are still striving – or if we have settled into… mediocrity.
Because anything less than your full potential is mediocrity.
Mediocrity is destructive. It is a form of complacency and complacency will kill your relationships, it will kill your business, it will kill your health and your fitness, it will kill your stewardship and it will kill you in your soul – because even if things are okay enough on the surface, at your core, you know the truth.
Complacency kills your ability to be a good and faithful servant. Complacency cuts you off from being the person God created you to be. Complacency is fear.
And I am most afraid that I will allow my fear and complacency to keep me where I am now and away from all I was created to do and be.
That thing that keeps me awake at night when I can’t sleep – it is fear that I will not live up to my full potential. It is my biggest fear. And it is something I had to dig my heels into the sand about, force myself to stop coasting along and take a good, long accounting of myself. And choose.
Choose to keep moving forward in the same way, in mediocrity, or choose to stop. Say no. And fight to give my best. To do my best. To not settle, not accept the way things are and to go, fervently, after better. After my best.
Sometimes, it’s the little things. Sometimes, one person’s comment can be the spark that becomes your ‘AHA moment’. Sometimes, its a big thing. A major collapse in the status quo that forces you to stop and say, “Hey, what am I doing here?”
Sometimes, its as simple as realizing that you are getting older and that you don’t have all that time anymore to go after your dreams and after your best life: Time is running out on you…
Sometimes, it’s a series of all of those…
I think the only thing I can find to say about my biggest fear is that I am looking it in the eye. I am determined that I will not lose this fight. My best life may seem like a giant – like a Goliath to me, right now. But David killed Goliath – and I will kill my fear. And I will go for it. Because I can. Because I have greatness inside of me and I was created for a moment such as this – and I won’t accept not ever living it.
Some things may be beyond my reach – but I sure as heck am going to try my darnedest to get them anyway! The only thing in my way is me – and I have something/someone bigger than me behind me and before me.
I have my God who is my strength, who is my director, who is my stronghold, my protector. And I go in the name of the God who has my back – and I will live my best life. Because I won’t accept less. (Now don’t get crazy and think I’m saying I’m ready to jump on a roller coaster anytime soon or get a bearded dragon as a pet ugggghhhhh – NOT!!!! Those are not worthy endeavours, in my opinion. That is my story and I will stick with that LOL.)
But I will go after my best life in my relationships. In my career. In my health and fitness. I will go after my best life in my stewardship of the time, money, talent, skills and abilities God has gifted me with, to use them for His Kingdom, for His purpose and glory.
I will go after being the best Nicki – the Nicki I was created to be. The impact I was created to make and purpose I was designed to serve. I will not settle anymore – into mediocrity.
I am more than that…
You don’t settle either, okay? You have greatness inside of you. You were created to do great things and be an incredible part of the Kingdom of God. Whatever it takes – the cost of not going for it is far greater. So go for it.
“His master replied, ‘Good job! You’re a good and faithful servant! You proved that you could be trusted with a small amount. I will put you in charge of a large amount. Come and share your master’s happiness.’
Matthew 25: 23 GW
If you keep quiet at a time like this, help will come from heaven to the Jews, and they will be saved, but you will die and your father’s family will come to an end. Yet who knows—maybe it was for a time like this that you were made queen!”
Esther 4: 14 GNT
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1: 7